I'm so sorry...

So sorry that I haven't been on here for a while. Got back on Tuesday but had a few very strange incidents out in Estonia that have left me feeling really upset.

Received an e-mail whilst I was out there from Supertwat, saying that he wants ME to pay for the divorce! After I read it, I stood up then collapsed and fainted.

For the last couple of days I've been in a right state. I've been seen by my GP who has given me a completely clean bill of physical and mental health but thinks I have some form of post traumatic stress disorder.

I feel absolutely nothing towards ST now, other than frustration, but my GP thinks that I've buried an awful lot of hurt, rejection and grief and now it's coming out as physical symptoms.

They're also worried about my weight and eating as I still can't seem to get it right and now I'm feeling stressed every time I eat something which is making it worse.
I keep thinking that everything I eat is going to make me fat which must have been one of the reasons that ST left me. Trainer boy is working hard to ensure that my diet is OK but it kind of slipped a lot whilst I was away and I'm now the lightest I've ever been.

Reckon it's about time to recognise that burying my head in the sand was never going to work and that I've got a long way to go before I repair and heal the scars that Supertwat has left me with.

Both my family, friends and trainer boy reckon that some form of ongoing counselling is needed as my physical reactions to ST are worsening despite feeling no emotion. It was very scary just blacking out after I read his e-mail and, looking back, I've noticed that whenever I have had anything to do with him over the last few months, I've ended up either having a panic attack or being sick. I know I don't love him anymore as you can't love someone who has hurt you so much but I do recognise that he has done me an awful lot of damage.

I've dropped almost 3 dress sizes in as many months and am constantly anxious or fearful. I'm afraid to be alone most of the time and hate myself for the rest of it.
That man has totally destroyed my confidence, self belief and trust and it's obviously affected me much more deeply than I first realised.

However, I have come to realise that TB is a true diamond. My brother adores him and both my best friends think he's the best thing to ever happen to me. He listens, he helps, he ensures I eat and exercise properly and he makes me feel happy and secure as well as a complete princess. My mum is even warming to the idea of TB as she knows that I need company to help build me up again. My dad's still of the opinion though that any man who ever comes near me again is going to be chased up the road with a spade!

I have had some amazing times though over the last few weeks, including me and my mates forming a fake girl group from Zimbabwe which we named "Bannerhanger" and we managed to convince half of Tallinn (estonia's capital) that we were releasing our double A side (entitled, "Kadriog Bride / Get your hands out of her kebab) there next week! We even ended up doing and autograph signing and filming a fake video. I was "Leotardy Bannerhanger", my mate was "Twopee Gypski"(as she has a lucky coin and kept being mistaken for a Russian gypsy) and my best mate "Annatifagash Kinderkuller" (she hates people who smoke and always seems to attract annoying noisy kids). It was amazing how many people actually believed that we were Zimbabwe's answer to the Spice Girls. We even had one pub chanting our name whilst we did a fake dance routine - my stomach was hurting so much from laughing the next day that I could barely walk. My favourite quotes from that night were (from a random american to my mate) "Gee honey, you'd look so much prettier without those two cigarettes shoved up your nose" and from me to a half estonian swedish guy, "I'll fight you on the town hall steps and ram an elk horn between your shoulder blades and then we'll see who's the most estonian!" It was a very unusual evening.

I'll update with some more stuff soon but I've been summoned by my mother to weed my drive as apparently it's bringing shame on the family name to have so much bindweed and dandelions pushing up between my slabs - apparently the ladies at the WI are not impressed with my driveway pruning and my mother can barely hold her head up at the coffee mornings. So, it's on with the rubber gloves and time to dig up my chickweed as hell hath no fury like my mother on a gardening mission.

Hope you're all well - I promise on my honour that tomorrow there'll be a huge rambling monologue detailing all of the bizarre events of my holiday (man blowing a giant horn and shouting "pork chops" anyone?????)

So, until tomorrow, see you and wish me luck as I do battle with the weeds.
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