keith chegwin's ears

Well, I'm currently ankle deep in water with a man in my airing cupboard. Another day, another leak from the newly fitted boiler. Did anyone else get back from work tonight to find themselves in more of an aquarium than a house? I am considering swapping my shoeboots for some flippers at the moment.

I can't seem to get into my house without some sort of incident as I nearly wrenched my spine on Sunday when we got back from Edinburgh. My mum had dropped off a load of potted herbs in giant ceramic urns as a gift from my aunt but had left them by the back door. I didn't see them as my outside light is broken so did a wonderful back flip over them as I tried to haul my weekend back in.

Had a fab time in Scotland though. We stayed in a lovely hotel called the Glasshouse and apart from being yapped at incessently by a huge camp gay german bloke over my eggs benedict both mornings, we had a lovely stay. Such a shame Edinburgh is being dug up at the moment as I saw more traffic cones than lovely views but nevertheless it's a gorgeous city.

We went to the castle on the Saturday and hired those "audiotour" things which are great unless you are quite short like me and they bounce around on your bladder all day. I am now very familiar with every single lavatory in Edinburgh's oldest monument.
I also kept forgetting I had the headphones on and so every photo Tom took on his new i-phone looks like I'm doing a 1970s outside broadcast with Keith Chegwin in my lovely combo of anorak and a giant headset. I will not be putting those on here!

We also realised that we are officially old as we gave up cocktails in a bar to go back to the hotel and watch the Eurovision song contest and drink tea in bed. Oh well, I am 34 now - guess it'll be bedsocks and steradent soon so I might as well make a good start on being an old fart!

I got thoroughly spoilt yesterday too. My parents, family, friends and Tom were more than generous and I had a fab time at my parents' last night. I didn't want a big night out as I had a completely mad week last week. i clocked up more miles than a desperate insurance salesman on overdrive as I went to Girls' aloud on Tuesday, Anfield to see the Liverpool game on Thursday adn then Scotland all weekend. My own bed seemed a dim and distant memory so I just had a few glasses (bottles) of nice plonk with a couple of mates, mum and dad and my brother and his fiancee. It still ended up with me dancing with a giant metal woman though. (my brother had brought me a headless wire mannequin torso on a pole for my birthday - sounds vile but is very vintage and looks fab with handbags or party dresses on it!) So, I was waltzing round mum's lounge with my new partner (christened "eliza wearlittle") and yelling about what a weasel ST is.

Why mention him? I hear you cry. Well, because he texted me yesterday to basically tell me to sod off and die or words to that effect. When the divorce came through, I ensured he found out that I hadn't been pining for him and that I was very happy with Tom. Seems he then waited til my birthday to send me a message so foul that my mum cried. I'm not sure if he even realised that it was my birthday but it was still bloomin awful. I e-mailed him back with a reply last night which I now regret. I will never learn, why does alcohol lubricate my bloomin e-mailing finger??!!!!

Anyway, it's all done now and I do feel free to get on with my own thing for the first time in ages. So, from now on it'll be me in my cheggers headphones, dancing with eliza wearlittle and downing some celebratory tea in bed!

Thanks too for all the lovely birthday wishes and cards. It made my day!


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


Oh, and here's my response to the vile toad...

So, happy birthday to me then.

Your text message of your final "I'm not speaking to you" could not have been better timed. It was my birthday but I guess that doesn't even figure in your world.

You ask why I've sent conflicting messages over the course of our divorce and I simply point to the fact that I have had the most confusing and turbulent year of my life. I still do not know why you left - I still to this day have received no valid explanation from you.

One day, when you fall in love again, maybe this time in a complete and adult way, you will realise what it might be like to lose that person. I do not wish you ill, just the fact that a fleeting thought may cross your mind as to how uncomprehensively tragic it may be to lose that person and for one moment, you may realise how I have felt for the last year.

Yes, I am happy. Yes, I have everything anyone could wish for. Yes, my family are relieved and glad that I am safe, loved and cared for. But no, it is not the life I signed up for. My first marriage to XXXXX was a mistake, on both our parts, we realised soon after we married that we had married for the wrong reasons and far too young. We spent many hours talking this through after our 3 years of marriage as a kind of therapy and we both left with our dignity intact and the truth helping us to cope. However...

You think that you owe me nothing.

You think I am not worthy of the truth.

You think I am unworthy of an explanation, the full story or anything near the truth that might have helped me to move on.

You saw my desperation as insanity. A broken heart as a sign of instability. The want for a secure and loving environment as controlling and stifling.

I wish with all my heart that you could have sat down afterwards and helped me to move on. You ran away. You never spoke and you played by your own rules where nobody else's opinion mattered but your own.
You never once asked me or anyone close to me what was best for me.
You saw the fallout of your actions as my weakness, not your cause.
I am trying, I am living, I am making the best of my life.

You will never understand how much pain I have endured, how many tears I have cried. Never, in all your wildest imaginings can you possibly see the damage you have caused.

You live in a disposable culture. Disposable morals, disposable promises, disposable truths. You have cast me aside and expect me to cope with no explanation or apology.
You expect me to put up and shut up.
Yes, I have a new life. Yes, I will make the best of it but no. No, I will not forget that I was your wife. I will not subscribe to your disposable version of reality.

It happened.

The hurt happened. The damage happened. No amount of hiding or avoidance will change that. Wherever you run, history will show you what happened.

I happened.

We happened.

I will be happy.

I will start again and not be beaten by what you did to me. But stop kidding yourself that this whole thing can be pigeonholed. I loved you and love leaves a mark. It colours your life in some way forever.

I will try not to let you stain my future with the mark you left but I cannot just rub out what you did. You may want to have the last word and shout, after almost a year of silence, ignoring me and refusing to speak, what you think are accusations of the reasonable from the moral high ground but they will fall on deaf ears.

The truth is loud.

The truth is clear. You abandoned your wife without explanation after only weeks and almost destroyed a family.

No amount of hiding will ever erase that.

And now it's me that will say that all is said and done.

I wish you well.

Oh,and as for worrying about me ever contacting you again. Don't lose sleep.This is my final word.