Oh god. I am still doing my own head in.
Everyone had a lovely time at the BBQ yesterday and got on like a house on fire.
my mum kept asking me all day why I was in a bad mood but I wasn't really. I kept busying myself in the kitchen and washing up all day as i just wasn't really in the mood as I felt like my head was going to explode.
I realised why this morning as i woke up with a high temperature, earache and a streaming nose so I'm actually poorly!
I have rationalised things and know that it must seem mental that Tom and I are on the IVF roundabout and I'm doing my nut about a proposal when in truth we'd be bound together forever if the IVF worked.
I guess it's cause I can't face the idea of believing in marriage again. ST showed me that marriage meant nothing and that at the end of the day, if someone really wants to walk away then no amount of pieces of paper or big party that you had can bind you together. Dressing up in a big white frock and wrapping a bit of metal round your finger doesn't guarantee that you'll be a couple for always and although I always truly believed in the princess "happily ever after" unfortunately ST peed all over that one and made our lovely wedding and our marriage vows look like when you come downstairs after a party; all the glitz, glitter and love of the previous evening is just a terrible hangover with loads of clearing up to do!
However, Tom's never been there so I guess in his head then marriage is still exciting and lovely and the pinnacle of a relationship. I feel angry that ST has robbed me of my belief in the commitment of marriage and the whole idea of "until death us do part" but there's not an awful lot I can do about it.
The thought of even beginning to think about weddings makes me want to throw up and I can't imagine myself ever changing my name or walking down an aisle as a bride. in fact, i woke up laughing the other day as I dreamt that i was at my brother's wedding doing a speech and had said, "always the bridesmaid, never the bride - oh no, I meant the other way around!!!"
I do love Tom but I'll never love anyone in the same reckless, total, utter and completely selfless way I loved ST. I'll never be able to trust anyone in the same way again. He stood in front of all of our family and friends, looked into my eyes and made legal promises for life, only to sh*t on them weeks later. How can anyone trust anyone after that? I know Tom and ST are different people but I can't ever let myself get hurt like that again so I'll never ever give myself totally like I did to ST. He had every part of my heart and just threw it back at me and stamped all over it.
That's why I'm freaking out so much.
He hasn't mentioned it again and the only shopping we did yesterday was at a garden centre. I potted up all his garden plants and busied myself in the garden all day until the bbq. I think he's been such a sweetie as he obviously realised I'm struggling with it all a bit. We're also in wedding madness at the moment which doesn't help as it's my brother's wedding on 27th June and Tom's sister's wedding do next Sunday. I seem to be surrounded by bloomin weddings!
Anyway, I'm doing a grand job of avoiding the subject but we're off to Estonia on Wednesday so I'll have to talk about it then I guess.
So, I'm off to scream silently into a cupboard somewhere now and change subjects so frequently that people are likely to sustain whiplash.
Will update again soon
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1 comment:
oh sweetie how funny you must be feeling right now.
Why not spak to Tom a bit more about it and be honest with him about your feelings on the subject. He's such a darling I'm sure he'll understand. And a diamond doesn't have to mean "engagement". You could always have an eternity ring and wear it on another finger if you prefer, as more of a "commitment to the mother of my children" ring (I say that because I've got all my fingers, toes and eyes crossed that the IVF is going to work lovey!).
Talk to him about it hun, you don't have to do any thing you don't want to do. Just take your time and I'm sure eventually as time passes you'll give a little more of yourself to Tom. One day in the future you might wake up and realise you've given him your whole heart and he's give you everything of himself, and that you want it no other way. Maybe then you'll be ready but for now just take your time and talk to him about it.
Take care sweets and don't freak out too much because you deserve someone that loves you and Tom does.
Tori-liz xxx
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