FAO Anonymous... (re: your comments)

I see a therapist every other day. I don't post those conversations because they're private. I did not lay a finger on ex and resent the implication that I did. My family are fully aware of where I am and what I'm doing and who I'm with and monitor everything I do. They also speak to my counsellors weekly about my progress.

I have binned off seeing action geek as he wanted a relationship and I definitely do not. Trainer boy is someone who makes me smile and gives me some distraction in what is otherwise a pretty bleak time for me. I can also assure you that he is definitely real and by no means a figment of my imagination. I may have had severe reactive depression and suffered extreme stress but I am not delusional. I write about some of the nice times I have and some of the hard times and although everything I write on here is true, this blog is by no way a full and clear picture of my life or indeed my feelings. My deepest feelings are private and complicated and I do not wish to share them with anyone other than my counsellors and my parents.

Writing things helps me gain perspective though; it helps me focus on what is important to me; makes me smile and gives me something to do.

My ex took my self confidence, my trust, my belief in people and my whole future. I am not ready for a relationship at all and by no means want one. What you don't hear about on here are the messages from my friends and family before, during and after every "date" to make sure that I'm OK. You don't hear about the meals they cook me because I'm still struggling to eat or the grilling I get every time I have met trainer boy to ensure that he didn't try and push things. My "dates" with him are simply that - dates to pass the time. He is well aware of my situation and is never more than a perfect gentleman. This minute he isn't - I'm off.

I am not a "dependent" person. I spent many years on my own and have never seen the need to have a boyfriend or indeed a husband. I am fiercely independent at work, bought my own house at 22 and have bought, done up and sold another 6 properties singlehandedly without any man and have had an amazingly swift rise up my career ladder, achieving many national accolades and being the youngest ever education consultant, assistant head and deputy head in the UK and the only UK leading Literacy AND Maths teacher. You don't get all of that if your only concern is who you're going to hook up with next. My family are the only people I depend on and the only people I ever will. My ex had to twist my arm so much to get me to agree to a date to marry him as I didn't want to give up my independence and look where it's got me!

I know full well that I am in an emotional state at the moment. I feel sometimes as if I'm on a rollercoaster and I just want to get off. I never signed up for this and would never wish it on anyone else. I have even discovered today that in addition to the debts, CCJs, court summons, property purchases and tax evasion that ex was caught up in, that he was also regularly using cocaine which I had no idea about - every day brings a new and hideous surprise.

As for the stereo and the TV... This rather pales into insignificance when you consider that he regularly used to come home drunk and smash things up. He ruined the shower, the bathroom door and an antique chest of drawers through punching them. He never used to touch me but I was terrified nevertheless. He also then used to yell at me when I cried when he did this and if I tried to leave to go to my parents' he would accuse me of running away and abandoning him.

I am also currently covered in bruises from him trying to pull me off his car. There was no reason for him to crush my hand around the glass I was holding when he pulled me away. He could easily have picked me up off the floor (he's over six foot and I'm 5'3) instead of squeezing the glass into my hand and dragging me by the arm so much that it's black.

I hope that people do continue to use this blog as somewhere to keep in touch. I miss lots of the people and friends I made on YAYW and love hearing from people as it helps towards making me feel "normal".

I do however, hope that people read this with the understanding that it is a snapshot of my life. It is by no means a full representation of my feelings and events as I simply cannot and will not publish everything about me, my family and my feelings. The people around me and my counselling team love me very much and are well qualified to help support me through this difficult time. I love them all dearly and know that they truly have my best interests at heart. So, rest assured that all is well in my camp and that I'm not about to jump into another relationship either now or in the near future. I am neither dependent nor a person to assualt another human being. I'm just trying to cope with the shitty hand that I've been dealt by the one and only supertwat.

Thanks for reading and I hope this clarifies a few things.

Love to you all

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