Anyone for an anchovy handbag?

Oh my goodness; what on earth is happening to me? I literally feel like I want to stop the world and get off for a bit of a breather.

Just got in from the school fete which truly is a, "fete worse than death" as it's like running the gauntlet and going into battle in treacherous territory, dodging hoopla hoops, skittles, kamikaze toddlers on bouncy castles and minature psychos on donkeys. I feel as if British troops need not spend hours and hours on windswept moorlands and mountains to prepare for comabat; they simply need to try and orchestrate a few primary school fetes and then they'd be prepared for any enemy!

So, feel like lying down in a dark room with some cold bunting draped soothingly over my brow but no such luck. Have had to spend the last half an hour cleaning my handbag after a slight incident in Tesco. Popped in to get a few bits after the fete and decided that I fancied an olive or two. My appetite is really starting to come back and although I'm still not eating loads, I'm not losing any more weight and I'm actually starting to feel hungry again. So, I went to the self service deli counter and began to load up one of those plastic pots with lots of tasty little morsels for me to nibble on this afternoon.

I was just busy deliberating whether to have one more scoop of garlic and chilli or lemon and basil olives when some idiot came careering round the corner like Nigel Mansell on speed and pulled some kind of handbrake turn/doughnut with their trolley and rammed me in the back of the ankles. Now, as I am still suffering from the ill effects of the date with trainer boy (I'm having to walk as if I have a broom wedged up my jacksy) then I wasn't able to bend and dodge out of the way very well.

What actually happened was that I went flying forwards and put my hands out to steady me. One of them grabbed onto the side of the deli counter but the other one plunged into a bowl of sun dried tomatoes in oil. What was worse was that my handbag slid down my shoulder as a result of the impact and hurtled to the bottom of a bowl of anchovies. So, I found myself bent double over the deli counter, up to my elbows in squelchy tomatoes and with my handbag in a bath of stinking miniature fish. How delightful.

The staff were very nice and gave me lots of paper towels to wipe up the fish oil which was dripping everywhere but I still had to pay for my shopping reeking like a North Sea trawlerman. What was more disturbing though was that despite my handbag having landed like a six tonne anchor in the anchovies and sinking to the bottom, the bowl was not replaced and other people were still buying them. I just hope that noone goes to eat them and finds an old tissue or a lip gloss!

Anyway, just at my parents' now avoiding phone calls from action geek who is utterly lovesick and watching TV as I don't have one since my Miss Piggy, tea hurling championships.

Went out with trainer boy again last night and had a lovely time. He picked me up fairly early and we went for a drink at a local pub near to my house. He had the most gorgeous clothes on and looked even lovelier than the last couple of times I saw him. I wasn't looking my best though as I was damn near crippled following his training session the previous night and the combination of that and a high waist pencil skirt made maneouvring with any decorum at all a bit of a challenge.

I managed to hobble/waddle from the car to the pub but on the way back to the car, I was just steadying myself on a hedge, when I suddenly found myself looking at the floor. Trainer boy had got fed up of watching me limp and struggle so had scooped me up and thrown me over his shoulder in a fireman's lift! He carried me to the car park and I spent the whole time sneakily checking out his biceps and hoping that I wasn't flashing my knickers. He lifted me back into the car and we drove to a restaurant a few villages away.

We had a gorgeous meal except for the fact that the two couples flanking us at the tables were very odd. One didn't say a single word to each other the whole time they were sat there and the other looked like the biggest chav pikeys you've ever seen. One had homemade tattoos all the way up their arms including "love" and "hate" ones on their knuckles as well as a football shirt and loads of sovreign rings and her husband was just as bad. They really were awful and we couldn't stop laughing when the woman ordered chicken wrapped in parma ham and sent it back because she said that the "chicken skin wasn't cooked cause it was still pink"!!!!!

We ended up back at my house and this is where I pulled out all my smoothest moves. Did I light a few candles, open a bottle of chilled champagne and lie seductively somewhere? Did I go and change into something comfy but suggestive?
No.
I had a huge gin and fell asleep on the sofa and gave trainer boy a dead arm.
Seems as if his training session, my first big meal in ages and far too much gin had taken its toll.

He woke me up at one o'clock in the morning and said he should probably go. I felt a right plank. This lovely, handsome, funny man had taken me out for dinner and I had fallen into a semi-coma. Not only that but when I tried to see him to the door, my legs had completely given up and I ended up hobbling so much that I looked like someone had kneecapped me.

I managed to crawl into bed at about half one and was just about to drift off into a sweet gin-induced sleep when action geek rang. He was asking if I wanted to go tubing at the snowdome in Milton Keynes on Sunday. Now, is it just me or does anyone else think that this is a bit of an odd date? Is is normal to want to wrap your date up in nylon skiwear, strap them to a tea tray and throw them down a hill??? Maybe he's trying to tell me something?

Anyway, he had obviously had a few elderflower cordials and sanatogen vitamin wines because he started waxing lyrical about what "an amazing lady" I was and how he couldn't stop thinking about me. He also said that he'd been listening to Take That's "Patience" all week and thinking of me. Even in my drunken, exhausted state I could see that this was all getting a bit out of hand so I reiterated that I really wasn't on the market for any kind of relationship at the moment. However, action geek was not taking no for an answer and was persisting with the whole "tubing date" thing so I'm currently trying to think up an excuse as to why I can't fling myself down a mountain with a a lovesick accountant tomorrow.

It seems though that trainer boy is also becoming a bit more than a personal trainer. He texted me when he got in to say that I was "a beautiful and intelligent young lady" who was "in top nick" and that my "smile made him melt" and that it "felt really nice when you fell asleep on my shoulder". Awwwww, he's a sweetie. He's also offered to help me with choosing a new telly and stereo as he's a bit of a nerd about his gadgets apparently so he's said he'll take me out one evening next week to pick out a new one as knowing me I'd go out for a telly and come back with ten pairs of shoes!

I also had a phone call from ex yesterday. Since the stereo smashing and tv annihalating antics of Wednesday, I haven't contacted him at all. I only texted him to tell him about the court summons and haven't sent a single text or left a single answerphone message. Seems as if smashing up his stuff was truly cathartic for me and I really have got a lot of stuff out of my system. It still chokes my chest up and makes my eyes prickle when I see my wedding dress in its bag in the spare room but I don't feel those great waves of pain anymore that made my legs keep buckling under me. It seems like seeing him for what he is and smashing up a few of his toys has been some sort of closure or at least a turning point for me.

When he called he kept asking how I was and I was literally curt and polite but didn't give anything away. I was so pleased because I just felt like I was talking to a stranger. He seemed genuinely bemused that I hadn't contacted him and it was so good not to feel like a victim for the first time in ages. I'm not so naieve as to think that I'll feel like this all the time, but it's so good not to be hurting as much as I was. It's also heartening to know that there are other blokes out there who do think I'm worth something and don't go out of their way to make me feel like shit.

Anyway, am off out tonight with one of my mates into town and am determined that I'm not going to have a repeat of last week where I was a hysterical, sobbing mess so it'll be on with the heels; on with the lippy and out on the town. As my mate at work likes to sing and altogether now..... (to the tune of Justin Timberlake)......
"We're bringing Emmy back; that bloody ex just don't know how to act"!!!!

So, I'll now doubt have a few updates tomorrow, especially as cocktails are on the cards tonight. Wish me luck in the whole "tubing" thing and hopefully I'll have regained some of the use of my legs by tonight.

Thanks again for reading - I love hearing from everyone.

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