Hong Kong Phooey...

Oh for goodness sake, will it ever stop flippin raining????!!!!!!

I have spent a good part of the last three days, bailing out my conservatory as it is about as waterproof as a paper doily.

I've been up to my ankles most mornings in rainwater so have been sloshing around, wielding a mop in my pyjamas at the crack of dawn. It is this problem that led me to be swearing and throwing giant saucepans and buckets around at 1 in the morning the other night.

I was so fed up of my conservatory's shortcomings that I tried to prevent the flooding by strategically dotting suitably large receptacles around the whole place. I had therefore been busy placing a rather random collection of items (including a plastic hat box and a giant plant pot in the shape of a welly) during an apocalyptic downpour throughout the entire colander-style area. I eventually got to bed and was just falling asleep when there was the most almighty crash.

I was convinced I was experiencing a break-in so I grabbed my nearest heavy item (not a tube of Veet this time - much more dangerous, a pink 3kg dumbell) and crept downstairs to the conservatory.

I saw a shadow pass across the hall so leapt into the dining room yelling my best ,"Hong Kong Phooey" karate style, "Hah!" and shaking my dumbell around with my eyes screwed shut (God knows how I was going to connect with the intruder) but I soon realised that the shadow was just some car headlights going past my house. I still clutched my dumbell though and carried on doing some fake karate moves (I was quite into the, "Hah!" shouting by now and thought I might frighten any burglars with my super swift Jackie Chan style dumbell waving.)

I "Hah-ed" my way into the area where the crash had come from and kicked the conservatory door open with a double dumbell air punch and saw loads of my collection of rain-catchers not in place starting with one on the doorstep. I was, by this time, really panicking as I was convinced that there was someone in the house.

I put the cake tin back on the step (you don't want a flooded conservatory, even if your house is ful of burglars) and spent the next five minutes leaping over furniture and behind doors with my two weapons of choice (my dumbell and a corkscrew - it was the only sharp object that was out on the side and I didn't want to show anyone where the knives were in case they were watching me, not that I'm paranoid or anything!)

Anyway, after a good fifteen minutes of waving my dumbell and jabbing my corkscrew into any dark place a burglar could be lurking (including under the sideboard - God only knows what sort of wafer-thin trespasser I was expecting), I was petrified to hear another clatter from the connservatory.

I leapt out from behind the sofa (no burglars there) and ran back into the dining room twirling my dumbell around my head and yelling, "Stop in the name of the law!!!" (Don't ask me where that came from; I have no idea why I had suddenly turned into a 19th Centry policeman).

After high-kicking my way through my obstacle course of a conservatory, I realised what was going on. The cake tin on the step was filling up with water and, as the step is slightly sloped, all the water was running to one side and then the tin was falling off onto the tiles and knocking over a load of the other objects in a kind of domino effect.

I had therefore spent the best part of an hour leaping round my house like an animated crime fighting dog whilst waving a dumbell and hurdling my furniture in my pyjamas. Once again, I had one of those moments where I realise it's no surprise I'm single.

I am currently round at my parents' house where my dad has prepared for his forthcoming sailing trip by buying a complete set of yellow, fluorescent roadcleaner's clothes (trousers AND jacket) as he was told my a stallholder on the market stall he bought it off that they're completely waterproof. My mum's currently trying it on and shouting at me as I told her that now she's 60 she's old enough to be a lollipop lady and that the outfit would be perfect. She's also told me that she almost blinded herself today when she tried to take a photo of dad in it and the reflective strips reflected the camera flash and nearly burnt her retina. Oh God, she's dancing in it now outside in the rain to prove it's waterproof. Do all parents go mad at 60 or just mine???

Anyway, am taking Mum down to London this weekend for her surprise birthday present. She still has no idea where she's going or what she's doing. I just hope she doesn't decide to wear that flippin roadworker's outfit!

See you soon

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