liquors??!!

Happy Easter my lovely easter chicks! don't know about you but I've had a lovely time; well, that's if a lovely time is spending 3 days wishing i could fish out my liver and swill it out in some lenor or scrabbling around in the dust storm that is my loft.

I feel the size of a house after eating and drinking so much chocolate and Estonian liquor and think that my stomach may never recover after friday's shenanigans that were pretty far from "good" and ended up in me crashing through my parents door.

Well, where do I start? Tom's been a pretty constant factor in this weekend's antics and we started off Friday with a walk into his local town for a slap up breakfast. There is something phenomenally comforting about a fried egg sandwich!
After devouring my own bodyweight in grease and wondering when roast potatoes became "de rigeur" on a fried breakfast, we wandered back towards town and Tom sang the praises of the greasy spoon caff staff whose idea of amazing customer service was to snip the tops off the sachets of ketchup. It was also a real bargain, i wasn't even charged extra for the huge long hair I found in my egg.

Tom then decided to do something lovely. we went into Boots and he bought a massive carrier bag of....

easter eggs?

nope.

perfume?

nope.

make up goodies?

nope.

the little sweetheart bought us both a massive carrier bag of vitamins! He bought special ones for women trying to conceive and some blokey type ones for him. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. The little darling had bought enough vitamins to last us about a year and was stood there all lovely and bemused as to why I was giggling like a madwoman.

We then went to his mum's where we had to hastily hide the vitamins under a hatstand as I wasn't quite ready to face his mum and discuss IVF over morning coffee on Good Friday. So, we had a nice chat and then wandered back to Tom's house.

It was here that it all started to go a bit wrong.

first of all, i can honestly say that a greasy fried egg sandwich and then hanging upside down or scrabbling round skirting boards for 3 hours is not a good idea. I've no idea why i decided to become a cross between anna ryder richardson and handy andy but i decided to show my gratitude towards lovely tom by painting his downstairs.

error.

It's the biggest flippin room i think I've ever seen and I swear it had tardis type properties as it didn't matter how long i painted for, i didn't seem to be getting anywhere. i also had a bit of a hissy fit when I was lying on the floor to paint the skiting boards and didn't realise I was trailing my hair in the roller tray. I now have gorgeous cream flaky highlights - a winner in the barnet stakes if ever I saw one.

Tom was shattered after a hard week at work so he settled himself in front of the telly for a few hours of shouting at Jeremy Kyle whilst i contorted myself around curtain poles, tried to hide the paint i'd spattered on the dresser and apologised profusely for managing to spill loads of paint on the hall carpet (the pot was too heavy and I had a decanting accident).

Eventually I gave up as my best mate said she couldn't meet later and could we come to the pub for five.

I needed no encouragement as by now i had realised that my talents do not lie with a roller and so I was out of my unflattering outfit of pink velour trackies and tom's old fleece before you could say "changing rooms".

Originally we were meant to be meeting my brother, my mate and her husband and my best friend and her new man for evening drinks but my best mate had had to hastily alter her plans so me and Tom found ourselves safely installed at my local by 5.

I kept banging on about eating as i had only had my egg sandwich all day but no one seemed to be listening. Tom had been scoffing all day after his roast potato breakfast and my mate and her man had just had a meal so i was on my own in the starving hungry stakes. i was also alone in the fact that I was the only one that didn't know I was being bought doubles by everyone around the table.

So, when a portion of chips finally arrived, it was no surprise that I had a slight problem with the vinegar bottle and managed to flood the table and everyone else's laps with a tidal wave of sarsons.

Tom decided that 4 hours of boozing on an empty stomach was probably enough for me and so we ended up going home. However, i decided to call in at my mum's and when the cold air of outside hit me, it appeared someone had replaced my legs with bambi's.

It was a real surprise for my mum to see me lurching down her hallway and bashing into the dresser with a rather squiffy Tom in tow. Luckily, mum did whatever any god estonian mum would do and cracked open the champagne to celebrate Tom's news about his job.

This meant that, with the exception of a couple of crumpets my mum forced down me, were were now into our fifth hour of boozing and it didn't end there.

we finally got home just after half one and collapsed into bed. For some reason, Tom decided that it would be funny to try and repeatedly fart in my shoes (his new party trick) but i don't even really remember getting in.

Needless to say, we felt like death when we got up. we felt even worse when we slowly began to piece together the evening's events which included me finding a tape measure and taking everyone's vital statistics and Tom's eyes rolling in his head so much on my mum's sofa that i was worried he'd gone blind.

Mum rang mid morning to check we were still alive but god knows how we were as mum reported that there were two bottles of wine, a bottle of champagne and over 20 large bottles of beer on the draining board.

It was not big and it was pretty far from clever.

however, i was still inhabited by the spirit of handy andy and so decided to sort out my hangover by finshing painting Toms' room. God I felt rough. Poor Tom was proper ill - he looked like a tramp, smelt like a compost heap and sounded like he was at death's door.

We then had to go out that night for a family do of his at a local chinese. it was really nice to see all of his family again but I still don't know what the appropriate response is when his deaf aged uncle tells you he's bought a vibrator from a pub vending machine. Any ideas gladly received.

It was also a touch embarrassing as i was wearing electric pink tights and we went for a drink first, only to find a hen do whose theme was "electric pink" and so about 15 other girls in ropey fancy dress all had the same legs as me. not good.

We ate the chinese and I didn't have a drink all night, in fact just the smell of it made me heave. Tom battled valiantly with a pint of Stella but failed miserably and was back on the sparkly water with me by the time the spring rolls had been brought out.

The next day was spent at mine with me trying to make amends for my dalliance with the evil drink by being all homely and baking hand iced chocolate cakes and taking them to my mum's for easter dinner.

now, i'm not sure if it's just my family but does everyone else have a family liquor that just seems to be brought out to inflict damage on guests.

our lovely family dinner once again descended into chaos when the estonian liquor "vana tallin" was brought out and we all morphed from pleasant dinner guests into frustrated "artistes".

my brother's in laws had brought over a guitar and so after mum's fab lamb dinner and too many puddings (my grandad now owns the record for one human's consumption of pavlova) we all had a bit of a sing. well, that doesn't really cover it. we had singing and playing until 2 in the morning and poor Tom was so bemused. He turned round to me at one point and said "Look at this". He had a beer, a wine, a liquor and a cup of tea all in front of him at the same time and literally was too far gone to know what to do!

it was hilarious though and when i go to mum's again I'll post some of the video of the night. it ended with loads of us all round the table singing everything from george Formby to Abba to "I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK". i do worry about my family and the fact that I don't know anyone else's family where mum attaches fluffy easter chicks for us to name to our wine glasses (mine "dave", Tom's "Colin", Dad's "lolita" - mum said trust him to have to have a sexual one; dad force feeds europe's most randomly named ales down anyone who sits still for more than 5 minutes or where rows break out as to the best chord arrangement for "yellow submarine". It's no wonder I'm exhausted all the time.

Needless to say, yesterday was another write off as poor Tom woke up bemused as to why it is that every time he steps over my parents' threshold he wakes up broken. He'll learn bless him!

Anyway, he's resigning from his job today as he's been offered a fabulous one with the old company he used to work for. well over a six figure salary and an opportunity for him to be really happy as i know he misses his old team and the business. So, he's off out all excited to meet his old boss from the previous company and sign the contract. hooray!

I've been busy over the last few days, inbetween boozing, sorting out my loft. It really is like a whole different world up there. So, I've been e-baying like crazy and trying to sort out stuff for car boots and skips. My life is so glam - skips, rummage sales, car boots and e-bay. there really is no end to the glamour.

Anyway, am off back up there again now to sort out a load more stuff so i'll say bye for now and venture off back up there amongst the fashion faux pas and christmas decorations.

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P.S will post the video soon