Well, here I am in latex gloves and an apron - normal Saturday morning attire, obviously. Am at my mum's putting her colour on her hair as she has a ball to go to tonight and needs her roots doing. I'm therefore sitting in an interesting outfit consisting of leggings, knee boots, a "good housekeeping" apron and a pair of latex gloves. I am fashion.
I've been run off my feet all week for a number of reasons, not least because ST is being a complete weasel and I had a major wobble about things around Wednesday. He's still refusing to pay costs and has written to the courts lying that I agreed he would only pay part of it. Luckily Tom's got lots of solicitor friends so I've been dashing all over the place seeking legal advice and working out ways to save my bacon and fry STs! Luckily my mum kept photocopies of all the illegal paperwork relating to STs dodgy mortgage and property deals that he kept me and his parents in the dark about. I've also got records of all the e-mails I sent to him where I categorically state that I refuse to pay costs. It hasn't stopped him from threatening to take me to court which after the indignity of my last court experience has been keeping me awake. Anyway, less of the weasel related chat - I have more things to update about!
I am applying for a new job. It's the deputy headship of the 2nd largest school in our education authority and it's currently in a bit of trouble. The current deputy's leaving to be a head somewhere else and so I'm going to throw my hat into the ring. It's actually been the job I've always joked that I wanted for years. It's a great school which is only down the road from where I currently work and I know a few of the staff already. An old mentor of mine is currently supporting the school in her role as education officer and she gave me the low down on it too and said it would be the perfect job for me. I've booked to go and meet the head and have a look round on Tuesday at 11am so wish me luck! I may come away and hate it but I have a good feeling about it. If nothing else it'll save me from having to go for headship for a while and I don't have to have ST's surname screwed to my office door anymore - I'll be able to start back as a "Miss" with my lovely parents' surname rather than that toad's on my door. So, I'm up to my neck in application forms and CVs (can you hear the sound of me blowing my own trumpet? I hate writing these things where you have to sell yourself, you sound like a right keeno)
Tom and all my mates reckon I'm doing the right thing too and if I do get it, I won't have to be called Mrs ST by hundreds of kids every day either. There's nothing more frustrating than having 250 kids chorus your ex's surname at you in assembly every morning. I suppose I could change it but then I'd be the subject of all the gossip at the school gates and I couldn't bear the indignity of that, especially when the PTA paid for my new door plaque as a wedding present. Ouch.
I've also been nursing my bruises from my snowboarding holiday. Now, to get into the "down with the kids" mode I am going to describe it as "totally awesome, rad and cool dude. My riding was awesome and I cut up those runs like a bad ass". Christ, there's nothing sadder than a mid thirties woman trying to sound like a 17 year old boy. Or look for that matter.
There was more than one alarmed teen when I peeled off my goggles in a bubble lift to reveal that I needed more oil of ulay and less apple schnapps. There's something very dispiriting about being eyed up by a hunky french boarder who then recoils in horror when you reveal what's under your helmet. I will admit that my hair looked like it had been styled in the dark by a giant epileptic spider holding a pair of garden shears, and that the fact my goggles were slightly too tight did give me a strange red welt all around my eyes but I don't think there was any need for me to become fully conversive in french pisstakes about older women.
I also had some biblical falls. One day I fell so hard on my bum that my left leg went into a spasm. Tom had to carry my board back to chalet whilst I half hopped, half dragged myself back like Quasimodo and yelped like a wounded puppy. A french woman in a 4X4 was laughing so hard at my walk that she almost drove into a bank of snow. Serves her right; my pain was not funny - I also told Tom this as he clung helplessly to the chalet bannisters when I couldn't lift my leg so was having to hotch myself up backwards on my bum one step at a time. Some people have no sympathy for the afflicted.
We had the most amazing weather too. I've skiied for over 25 years and I've never seen such glorious weather or snow conditions. Tom's now under the illusion that it's always like that and not ever a foggy, horizontal blizzard that whips the first layer of skin off your face and makes you feel seasick. He's a complete convert and I was so pleased to see that I was not only mid thirties saddo on a board. It was comforting to know that we were, as a couple, the source of much hilarity amongst the teenage boarding fraternity. They seemed to find it an endless source of amusement when us two oldies hit the deck or, as I somehow managed, boarded into a shed. There is no dignity in retreiving your board after you have to undo it because it is wedged under a shed step where you lost control and careered into a wooden hut. It is especially helpful and nice to know in those circumstances that your boyfriend will stand there and almost pee himself laughing rather than get off his own sodding board and help you.
However, we survived a week of boarding without any injuries and the people in the chalet were OK. I think they thought we were a bit rough and common though as they were all Oxbridge educated and on 6/7 figure salaries living in London. Us couple of northern monkies with our boards and my tendency to get annihalated on the free wine every night was not necessarily their cup of earl grey. They were lovely people though so we were very lucky. It made me laugh at the airport when we said goodbye though as one of them said to me, "Thank you, it was lovely to meet you; you've been very, er, entertaining". High praise indeed I think for someone who moaned about their bum all week, wore only combat trousers and drank enough red wine to host the oxford/Cambridge boat race next year. Oh well, we can't all be posh and it's probably done them good to experience a bit of roughing it. I did have to send Tom to apologise to one of them though after he hid his parmesan encrusted ski socks in a wooden cupboard because they stank so much I couldn't sleep but which turned out to actually be the sauna and nearly gassed a banker from covent garden.
I'm going round there later on actually. He wants me to completely redecorate the house for him so I'm going to don some frilly cuffs and do my Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen impression and wave copies of homes and gardens around and spout meaningless rubbish like "I'm thinking perspex", and "A warm tone of honeysuckle juxtaposed with slash of fuschia" and "Shall we just sod off to B&Q and get a McDonald's on the way back?" So, am going armed with a load of magazines and a bottle of champagne (any excuse) and we'll get cracking on redesigning his pad.
He's been such a cutie recently too. Those oliver tickets he bought turned out to be fraudulent so he's had to buy another pair and we're now going on June 12th. He turned up the other day too with a huge bouquet of lilies and a copy of heat as ST had been being such a turd. He really is a darling lovely boy. Unlike the weirdos who seem to be texting me at the moment.
I don't know whether it's because my car was in auto trader with the phrase "lady owner" in it but I keep getting vile picture texts of someone's willy from an unknown number. I've also had another message from a different number asking me if I have a camera phone and do I want a picture from him as his wife's out! I replied with a tirade of abuse to each one although that's probably what the pervs wanted. I really do seem to attract perverts; my phone's had more pictures of penises on than a clap clinic wall. Only me - again!
Anyway, looks like some of my video clips didn't upload either so I'll get to work on those again soon. Have got some of me and Tom boarding so you can see our awesome talents and I think one's got the shed on that I became rather too closely acquainted with.
So, lots of love to anyone who's still on my little road.
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